During a recent coaching call, my client asked me to walk her step-by-step through an upcoming meeting with a donor. I love doing this! We established her top goal for the dinner, talked about the environment and scripted a couple of questions for her to ask as the meal progressed. We even worked on keywords she could use should an opportunity to make an ask arise.

Then she asked about what happens when the server brings the bill.

Great question!

This can be a point of amazing tension. It’s usually stressful for the donor because nonprofit people are so often ‘entitled’. They act as if they are ‘owed’ the meal.

I’m not a fan of using restaurants for donor visits. But if you do, here are some pointers in removing stress about paying the bill.

First, as a fundraiser I always assume I’m going to pay for the meal. Always. I’m representing a nonprofit and this is just a cost of doing business.

Here is how it plays out at the table:

1. The server comes with the bill.
2. I’ll reach for it. Not hastily, not in a way that breaks the flow of conversation. But I’ll quietly slide it towards me.
3. If the donor reaches for it, I’ll always look up and say, ‘Are you sure?’
4. If they insist, I’ll let them pay.
5. I’m not sure where I picked up the are-you-sure? step but I think it’s based in that family tradition of refusing seconds until they’re offered twice. If the donor offers to pay twice – once by moving to take the bill, twice by answering me – I’m confident in letting him, or her, pay.
6. If there’s any hesitation, I’ll pay. I was expecting to anyway. He probably rarely gets treated to a meal so paying is sort of fun. Even when budgets are tight.

There are several reasons it’s good if they pay.

1. Confirms good stewardship of their own gift
   Many donors feel that if they pay for the meal, more of their gift (or future gift) is actually ‘going to the mission’ of the nonprofit. They like to be able to help the organisation be good stewards.
2. Another chance to say thank you
   It gives me a lot of opportunity to express gratitude. If you’ve come sincerely expecting to pay, you can honestly say, ‘Wow! Thank you so much’. But let it rest at that. Your job is to – at some point ­– ask for a much larger gift than a dinner. You can gush with gratitude then.
3. Givers like to give
   There’s a real joy for people in being able to pay for a meal. Who are you to rob them of that joy?
4. Increasing engagement
   Finally, if they pay the bill it is another one way for them to support my nonprofit. Nothing that will show up on tax forms or donor lists, but it can be another step in the engagement process. Another way for them to establish a close relationship.

But always arrive at the meeting expecting to pay. Here are some of nuances for you to consider:

1. Never assume they will pay
   The worst thing you can do is to assume that since you work for a nonprofit, it’s everyone else’s job to pay for the food. That sense of entitlement stinks to high heaven and leaves a bad taste in the donor’s mouth leading them to think twice about any other invitation from your nonprofit.
2. Avoid offering to split the tab
   Unless you’ve agreed on this before the meal, offering to split the bill can make you look like a cheapskate. And that can damage any future relationship you might have grown with the donor.
3. Who set up the appointment?
   In general, if the other person invited you to the meal, it’s safe to think he’ll be paying. But that makes your low-key offer to pay even more powerful. Donors are used to nonprofits being ‘takers’. This shows that you represent a different type of nonprofit than they’re used to.
4. If he asks for the bill
   If the donor asks the server for the bill, it’s a good bet that he’s going to pay. When the server brings it to him, you have a choice: you can either ask a brief, ‘are you sure?’ Or you can say, ‘Thank you very much’. You can’t really go wrong with either response; after you’ve been in enough of these situations, you should be able to sense at the moment which response is more appropriate.

By coming to the meeting having made the decision that you are paying for the meal, you free your mind to focus on the donor rather than on who’s going to pay. And your gratitude should he pay is genuine.

Your turn

What about you? How do you handle this situation? Tell us in the comments